Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong

On Sunday as i woke up, i thought to myself am i really ready for this. Is it a mistake? Am i going to regret it? I got up and got Michael and Macy up to get ready. As we got ready, the ball in my stomache seem to grow bigger. While waiting on my mother to get there, it really hit me. Im going to see my brother today. The one who put me through so much pain because he choose drugs over his family. I have learned i cant live my life without forgiving him. Which was extremely hard to do. In Feb of 2008 i saw a part of him i never want to see again. That was the worst feeling to know your own brother could steal from you and act like he didnt care he hurt you. I havent saw him for almost two years before this day and i was so nervous. The kids havent saw there Dad in over a year and a half.

Anger makes you smaller,

while forgiveness

forces you to grow

beyond what you were.

--Cherie Carter-Scott

On the way over there, I started worrying more and more what it would do to the kids. I mean i honestly think they need there daddy no matter the circumstances. I know they were excited and yet nervous at the same time. They picked on each other the whole time. Once we got there the smiles i saw on those kids faces i will never forget. It was like they were meeting Santa or something. As we walked in, we were checked to mkae sure we had nothing but our ids. We signed in and the officer told us to go into the room and find a seat. We waited about 3 minutes and he came to the door. I had the biggest knot in my stomache. The kids ran up and hugged him. We sat there for about two and half hours and vistied with him. The hardest thing i have ever had to do was telling the kids we had to go. It broke my heart to see there pain. I know they are only my neice and nephew but i never want to see them hurt. Jason talked to them for about ten minutes and finally they understood they had to go. As we said our goodbyes and walked out, they were both crying. We got in the car and not a word was said all the way home. Michael stopped crying and Macy cried her self to sleep.

The family is a haven

in a heartless world.

~ Christopher Lasch

Once we got home they seemed fine and were already talking about the next time we could go see him. There mother came and picked them up and later on that night Michael decided he did not want to go back anymore. He is older and he is a daddy's boy so i think it hurts to see his daddy like that. But how do i tell Jason his son doesnt want to come back and see him. What do i do? I cant make Michael go but i also dont want to be the one to tell Jason. It will kill him inside. Im really scared it will go bad. What if he decides to cure his pain with drugs again? I mean come on just cause he is in a rehab doesnt mean he cant get any. If it was meI would see that as a even more reason to push my self to get out. Its hard either way.

OK onto other news. In 2 days on wednesday, Christopher and I will be married 3 wonderful years. I think i love this man more and more every day. We had some anniversary pictures done by the famous Hope Baldwin. SHe is a great photographer.